"I'm not going to blog, I'm going to bed." -me, ten minutes ago.
I feel so lame. I should not get as worked up as I did about petty things.
I danced with Nathan tonight, and right after the song was over, I lost it. Had to go hide behind a car. There were waterworks everywhere. I sucked it up so that no one would notice when I went back to the dance. Tears kinda sat on the edge of my eyes. A few fell every once in a while, but it was dark so no one saw. When Caitlyn and I got in the car to go to Sonic, I told her I needed to be upset for a minute. So, she held me while I cried and I soaked her t-shirt, as I usually do when I really need to be upset.
Breanne, just get over it, geez. It's not like I never saw it coming. Actually, I think that's part of the problem.
This has been in "the plan" for so long that leaving has been tearing me up for months now. Every time I think I'm fine with it, something like this happens. Niagra falls out my eyeballs. Come July 29th, when I'm flying out, I feel like it will be a relief. I won't be worried about how to spend my time with people here. It won't be a possibility anymore. I'm kinda just ready to go, even though I don't really want to leave.
I'm scared. Scared of moving, yeah, but I'm most afraid of the time I have left here. I'm scared that we're all too busy to spend good time with each other. I'm scared of wasting the next four weeks. I'm scared that they think I'm being ridiculous when I'm upset. And somehow, after everything that's happened, I'm still scared they don't care. Why is this all so important? I have no idea.
Now, I actually do need to go to bed.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
"Do do dee do do...Goodnight sweetheart, it's time to go..."-that song Caitlyn always sings
I think it's fair to say that there will potentially be a lot of blogs over the next few weeks? I need some way to process through stuff.
Things keep happening that make me realize -oh, that's probably the last time I'll see that person for a while. Today, I said goodbye to a friend of mine who's moving to Pennsylvania. In a couple weeks I'll hang out with my brothers for the last time till Christmas. In a month I'll say goodbye to one of my closest friends for nine months - nine months, and I can probably count on one hand the number of days I haven't talked to her in the past year. It makes me nervous. Uncomfortable. But who says life is supposed to be comfortable?
I get nervous, too, when I think of everything that has to be done before the move, and everything that will happen after the move. Then, I kind of get this wave of panic when I think that I won't get to spend time with the people that I really want to spend time with for this last little bit. Life is still pumping for all of us, and we're busy as ever. We can't just stop it because we're all separating. All I can do is trust a sovereign God that my last month will unfold the way he would have it.
"...I hate to leave you but I really must say goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight."
I think it's fair to say that there will potentially be a lot of blogs over the next few weeks? I need some way to process through stuff.
Things keep happening that make me realize -oh, that's probably the last time I'll see that person for a while. Today, I said goodbye to a friend of mine who's moving to Pennsylvania. In a couple weeks I'll hang out with my brothers for the last time till Christmas. In a month I'll say goodbye to one of my closest friends for nine months - nine months, and I can probably count on one hand the number of days I haven't talked to her in the past year. It makes me nervous. Uncomfortable. But who says life is supposed to be comfortable?
I get nervous, too, when I think of everything that has to be done before the move, and everything that will happen after the move. Then, I kind of get this wave of panic when I think that I won't get to spend time with the people that I really want to spend time with for this last little bit. Life is still pumping for all of us, and we're busy as ever. We can't just stop it because we're all separating. All I can do is trust a sovereign God that my last month will unfold the way he would have it.
"...I hate to leave you but I really must say goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight."
Saturday, June 28, 2008
"Feet may touch the ground but my mind's somewhere north of here." -Caedmon's Call
The longer I live and the more inescapable problems that I find in myself and the world, the more excited I am in the hope of Heaven. That, my friends, is going to be a great thing. Yay for the doctrine of glorification.
It's an answered prayer that I even feel this way. I remember in high school, older people would talk about Heaven or I would hear songs about how great eternity with God will be. But I never got it. I couldn't get excited about it, I couldn't understand what a good thing it was going to be, my eternity as a Christian. So I prayed, "God, I want to be excited about Heaven. Please show me that it's something wonderful to look forward to." And he did. It's so cool that God doesn't forget our prayers, and they are answered in his timing.
"For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ." Philippians 3:20
A month left until our much anticipated departure. Get excited, people. Breanne is moving to California.
The longer I live and the more inescapable problems that I find in myself and the world, the more excited I am in the hope of Heaven. That, my friends, is going to be a great thing. Yay for the doctrine of glorification.
It's an answered prayer that I even feel this way. I remember in high school, older people would talk about Heaven or I would hear songs about how great eternity with God will be. But I never got it. I couldn't get excited about it, I couldn't understand what a good thing it was going to be, my eternity as a Christian. So I prayed, "God, I want to be excited about Heaven. Please show me that it's something wonderful to look forward to." And he did. It's so cool that God doesn't forget our prayers, and they are answered in his timing.
"For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ." Philippians 3:20
A month left until our much anticipated departure. Get excited, people. Breanne is moving to California.
Friday, June 20, 2008
"Nobody ever died of laughter." -Max Beerbohm
Pretty sure I almost did once. You know, when you laugh so hard you're physically unable to take a breath...It's the best. And I love waking up laughing. I think it's one of my favorite things ever.
Last summer, a group (or should I say the group) of us took a trip to Greenville to dance. We were always taking random trips like that, two or three times a week. We stayed the night in Greenville, and apparently I was the last one still sleeping in the morning. As I lay there, minding my own sleepy business, the whole bed jolted. My eyes popped open to the bombardment of three wide-eyed faces rather close to mine. Instantaneous laughter. That's when I decided I love waking up laughing, mostly because it reminds me of them.
I love being with people. A lot. I love conversations. Had a few good ones going around last night. Missed out on a little dancing because of it. I find, however, that I can dance with people I don't know very well for the rest of my life, and probably will. All said and done, I don't mind missing a few dances to be with people I won't be with much longer. (Or, I don't mind taking a few dances with people I won't be with much longer.)
I'm sorry I'm taking this transition of leaving for California so hard. I know, of all of us that are separating, I will take it the hardest. Change is not my forte. I was told to focus on the gain and not the loss. If I don't, I'll miss out on a lot, I think.
In other news, God hears us. That thrills me to the bone, because I used to doubt that he did. He hears and answers amidst our stubborn hearts, leads and provides on his perfect timing. I can trust him. Because of who he is, he deserves to be glorified. In my unworthiness, I humbly rejoice in answered prayer this morning, and am encouraged. :)
"And they will sing of the ways of the Lord, for great is the glory of the Lord." Ps. 138:5
Pretty sure I almost did once. You know, when you laugh so hard you're physically unable to take a breath...It's the best. And I love waking up laughing. I think it's one of my favorite things ever.
Last summer, a group (or should I say the group) of us took a trip to Greenville to dance. We were always taking random trips like that, two or three times a week. We stayed the night in Greenville, and apparently I was the last one still sleeping in the morning. As I lay there, minding my own sleepy business, the whole bed jolted. My eyes popped open to the bombardment of three wide-eyed faces rather close to mine. Instantaneous laughter. That's when I decided I love waking up laughing, mostly because it reminds me of them.
I love being with people. A lot. I love conversations. Had a few good ones going around last night. Missed out on a little dancing because of it. I find, however, that I can dance with people I don't know very well for the rest of my life, and probably will. All said and done, I don't mind missing a few dances to be with people I won't be with much longer. (Or, I don't mind taking a few dances with people I won't be with much longer.)
I'm sorry I'm taking this transition of leaving for California so hard. I know, of all of us that are separating, I will take it the hardest. Change is not my forte. I was told to focus on the gain and not the loss. If I don't, I'll miss out on a lot, I think.
In other news, God hears us. That thrills me to the bone, because I used to doubt that he did. He hears and answers amidst our stubborn hearts, leads and provides on his perfect timing. I can trust him. Because of who he is, he deserves to be glorified. In my unworthiness, I humbly rejoice in answered prayer this morning, and am encouraged. :)
"And they will sing of the ways of the Lord, for great is the glory of the Lord." Ps. 138:5
Thursday, June 19, 2008
To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man's heart. ~Francesco Guicciardini
Well, that's good news.
So, not gonna lie, I've been hurting a little bit lately.
But it seems as if there's a lot more going on than my hurt (imagine that). As a matter of fact, there's a lot more people hurting a lot worse than me, some of whom don't have the hope that I have. Unfortunately, I'm so wrapped up in my own pain that I don't pay attention to anyone else's.
I try to pray for my friends, I try to pray for people that I know are hurting right now. It seems as though the only thing I can ever say is, "God, I don't know what to do."
God, I can't help them.
God, I'm not sure how to be there for them.
God, I can't fix this.
God, my name is Breanne. Clearly I am in control of the universe, thus will be the sole solver of all my friends' problems.
That's real intercession, right there, ladies and gentleman.
Well, maybe I should try, "God, teach me to love you and understand your love so that it overflows from me to other people." Or, "God, I trust your sovereignty and your providence in this situation." I really am glad I'm not in control.
In other news, of awesome things I've done recently...I made a semi-life-sized effigy of my boss out of trash bags and shredded paper in his absence this week. It's sitting in his chair in his office, awaiting his return. So cool.
Aaaaaaaaand it's swing dancing night. oh baby.
Well, that's good news.
So, not gonna lie, I've been hurting a little bit lately.
But it seems as if there's a lot more going on than my hurt (imagine that). As a matter of fact, there's a lot more people hurting a lot worse than me, some of whom don't have the hope that I have. Unfortunately, I'm so wrapped up in my own pain that I don't pay attention to anyone else's.
I try to pray for my friends, I try to pray for people that I know are hurting right now. It seems as though the only thing I can ever say is, "God, I don't know what to do."
God, I can't help them.
God, I'm not sure how to be there for them.
God, I can't fix this.
God, my name is Breanne. Clearly I am in control of the universe, thus will be the sole solver of all my friends' problems.
That's real intercession, right there, ladies and gentleman.
Well, maybe I should try, "God, teach me to love you and understand your love so that it overflows from me to other people." Or, "God, I trust your sovereignty and your providence in this situation." I really am glad I'm not in control.
In other news, of awesome things I've done recently...I made a semi-life-sized effigy of my boss out of trash bags and shredded paper in his absence this week. It's sitting in his chair in his office, awaiting his return. So cool.
Aaaaaaaaand it's swing dancing night. oh baby.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
"It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter." -Marlene Dietrich
Yes. Yes, that's true.
About a year ago, I was frequenting those 4am conversations with friends that matter, friends that thought I mattered. When I feel relationally insecure, as I often do - even and especially with my closest friends - I remind myself of times like that when they put up with me, far beyond what I deserve. Friends do that, sometimes.
In a month and a half, there will be 3,000 miles+ between the people that I've grown with over the past year. I think the current insecurities I feel will be of minimal importance then, and what will matter is how I handled them now and what I learned for later. Not that I'm an adequate manager of my present emotions or my pool of collected knowledge. You learn as you go, I suppose.
In other news, welcome to my new blog. I'm a verbal processor who rather likes to write. That is your disclaimer :)
Yes. Yes, that's true.
About a year ago, I was frequenting those 4am conversations with friends that matter, friends that thought I mattered. When I feel relationally insecure, as I often do - even and especially with my closest friends - I remind myself of times like that when they put up with me, far beyond what I deserve. Friends do that, sometimes.
In a month and a half, there will be 3,000 miles+ between the people that I've grown with over the past year. I think the current insecurities I feel will be of minimal importance then, and what will matter is how I handled them now and what I learned for later. Not that I'm an adequate manager of my present emotions or my pool of collected knowledge. You learn as you go, I suppose.
In other news, welcome to my new blog. I'm a verbal processor who rather likes to write. That is your disclaimer :)
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