I promise, I honestly did not know better than a lot of the mistakes I've made. My selfishness run deep within my veins, my sin so much a part of who I am that I can't separate it out from my thoughts, words or actions. As soon as I think I've done something good, I find it tainted in the worst of ways.
Dr. Layman says in his classes that sin does not just effect you, it effects those around you - particularly, those close to you. I remember sitting in class when he said this. I paused, looking up from my doodles to try to figure out how my current sins could possibly be effecting those closest to me. I thought carefully of each person that I considered a good friend or tight family member. All seemed untouched by my wrongdoings. Dr. Layman was wrong. It was just me who was suffering the consequences, no one else.
Turns out, Dr. Layman is not wrong about very many things when it comes to his classes. After a few episodes and all hell breaking loose in and around me, I found that my sins were, indeed, weighing on other people and negatively effecting them.
I have been selfish. I have used people to make myself feel important. I have pulled other people into my messes and made them help me clean it up. I have blamed other people for my insecurities. I have only cared about my own affairs and disregarded all others that inconvenienced me.
Dear God, I am so sorry. I didn't know any better. I don't want to be this way any more. I know you forgive and I know you transform, and I am begging you to change me. I want to regard other people as more important, not for any glory, recognition, or reputation. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to use anyone. Dear God, please change me.
I know God is faithful and just to forgive. But you know what's scary? My friends have forgiven me, too. And they live with and around me, and still regard me as friend. This dirty, selfish human that has hurt them dozens of times over.
I don't want to be selfish anymore.