I can't sleep. Maybe if I say what I'm thinking, I'll sleep.

-Never underestimate the power of a good dance with a good lead to send you into the clouds for a couple hours.

-I'm having a 'sode. Been there for a bit. Don't know what my deal is.

-All your mistakes have lead you to one place, and one place only - right where you are.

-I really really really need better ways of coping with emotions.

So basically, I don't want anyone's pity, ever. Thanks.

There is something to be said about doing life with the people around you. There is something to be said about the friendships formed with the people you live with, the people you work with, and the people who happen to be at the same place at the same time with you. Are friendships intentional? Maybe sometimes. Other times, they just suddenly exist, and before you know it, you're laying in the floor talking until the sun comes up and awaken to find you've slept through two classes and chapel - but it's ok because time spent with a friend is not wasted time. Whether laughing or crying or arguing or silence...Time spent with a friend is not wasted time.

I promise, I honestly did not know better than a lot of the mistakes I've made. My selfishness run deep within my veins, my sin so much a part of who I am that I can't separate it out from my thoughts, words or actions. As soon as I think I've done something good, I find it tainted in the worst of ways.
Dr. Layman says in his classes that sin does not just effect you, it effects those around you - particularly, those close to you. I remember sitting in class when he said this. I paused, looking up from my doodles to try to figure out how my current sins could possibly be effecting those closest to me. I thought carefully of each person that I considered a good friend or tight family member. All seemed untouched by my wrongdoings. Dr. Layman was wrong. It was just me who was suffering the consequences, no one else.
Turns out, Dr. Layman is not wrong about very many things when it comes to his classes. After a few episodes and all hell breaking loose in and around me, I found that my sins were, indeed, weighing on other people and negatively effecting them.
I have been selfish. I have used people to make myself feel important. I have pulled other people into my messes and made them help me clean it up. I have blamed other people for my insecurities. I have only cared about my own affairs and disregarded all others that inconvenienced me.
Dear God, I am so sorry. I didn't know any better. I don't want to be this way any more. I know you forgive and I know you transform, and I am begging you to change me. I want to regard other people as more important, not for any glory, recognition, or reputation. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to use anyone. Dear God, please change me.
I know God is faithful and just to forgive. But you know what's scary? My friends have forgiven me, too. And they live with and around me, and still regard me as friend. This dirty, selfish human that has hurt them dozens of times over.
I don't want to be selfish anymore.

I trust that God has made me in such a way that will bring him glory, and he has fashioned who I am in such a way that will most glorify him.

at the end of the day.

I worked this morning, then spent the afternoon trying to track down my friend who was in jail all weekend. He spent three days trying to find a bondsman to post $2,000 in bail money for a first offense DUI...Something is not right with those figures...At any rate, after I spent the afternoon on the hunt, I got a phone call at around four. He'd gotten out needed a ride to go get his impounded vehicle. Never have I ever picked up a friend from jail. I could go into detail about how I have several other friends back in NC who could have been in the same position at any point in time of our close friendship, or how I never went looking for a friend of mine when he went missing and have yet to see him after several years...but I'll spare you.

Somewhere between working and picking up my friend from the Sheriff's Department, I found out my parents were coming to town. They had been trying to visit for a while, and today was the day! It's been weird to have then come see what my life is like. Good weird, but weird. It's made me realize how good I have it. They came to the lindy bomb tonight, and my dad danced with me. It was perfect. Never have I ever danced with my blood father in public.

At the dance, however, there were two very distinct things that set things on edge. One was that my friend who is semi-interested in me was there. My attention was dispersed between so many things that I didn't get to talk with him or really even speak with him, and he's not really a dancer so I didn't get to interact with him much at all. I'm afraid he thinks I'm blowing him off, which is not my intention. The second was that something was wrong with my good friend. An avid dancer, the boy basically played down-low and sat in the corner all night. When that happens, I always kick myself because there was probably something more I could have done in the situation to help something. Plus, I made a not-so-smart comment about something-or-other that, if overheard, was probably not an intelligent statement in light of his crappy mood. It drives me nuts to never know if the things I can and can't do for someone when they're down are good enough. Especially for him, I feel like I always end up doing something wrong when he gets like that. But I'm pretty sure that's in my head. So basically, I had two people that I really care about sitting on the sidelines at the dance event.

Oh, life. You are so interesting.

I'm too tired to write any more. :-p kbye.

I don't know what I'm dreaming of. The fact that I'm dreaming may be good enough. But doesn't everybody dream? And isn't everybody met by the crushing realization of failed expectations and half-lived something-or-others...would-be's, could-be's, never-was...So much happens in these little heads of ours, so much that we think is important. But what makes my thoughts so important? What makes my dreams so essential to be fulfilled? What is so special about what I want?

I absolutely can not answer that question.